Stuff and Nonsense

I'm loving this song lately.

Stuff and Nonsense by Missy Higgins

missy higgins - stuff and nonsense.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

It's really simple, but even more beautiful because of that.

However, I do have mixed feelings about the lyrics:

Disobey my own decisions
I deserve all your suspicions
First it's yes and then it's no
I dilly dally down to duo
But I've got no secrets that I babble in my sleep
I won't make promises to you that I can't keep

And you know that I love you
Here and now not forever
I can give you the present
I don't know about the future
That's all stuff and nonsense

I once lived for the future
Every day was one day closer
Greener on the other side
Yes I believed before I met you
But I soon learned your love burned brighter than the stars in my eyes
Now I know how and when, I know where and why

And you know that I love you
Here and now not forever
I can give you the present
I don't know about the future
That's all stuff and nonsense

Being LDS, I know lots of people who might argue FOR looking to the future, and falling in love for eternity, etc.  So some people might not find that very romantic.

Regardless, I think it's still pretty sweet. I feel like it really reinforces living in the moment, which is very easily forgotten nowadays. 

It's like she's saying, I don't know about anything that's going to happen from here on out, but I do know that here and now, I love you.

That, is just beautiful.

I just wanna sing!

Also... the video below:



Makes me feel pretty good about myself.  I forgot I could (can) sing like that.

I recorded that spring of 2008.

Maybe I'll start taking more video of myself singing.

Now I just need an instrument.

Post-edit: So, I currently feel a little awkward about the fact that I posted this video.  Because let's face it, the video is a little awkward.  But... I don't care!  The point is, I have a pretty dang good voice. Am I right? Seriously.   Now.  To make sure I stop hiding that talent under a bushel... ahem.

sooo... I'm still here! :)

It has been such a very long time since I posted.

It feels strange.

I just haven't felt that much into writing about my life.

I would say that it's pretty boring.

Mmmm... you might argue with me on that point.

Anyway, remember how I said (wrote) that my life had changed drastically at one point?

And that I would post about it later?

Well, it has still changed several more times since then.  And is about to change again.


Let me just tell you about it.
 

At the beginning of November, my nannying gig unexpectedly came to an end.  I could've stayed in their house (I was living with them at the time as part of my pay), but chose to vacate and get moving so that I could figure out what my next step would be.

I moved all my stuff into a friend's house and stayed on their couch for a couple weeks while I hunted for jobs, interviewed, and worked on getting a handle on and organizing my money situation.

In a fairly short amount of time, I landed a job substitute teaching in Provo School District, and soon after, I found out about an open room in a friend's house, which I quickly snatched up.  I moved into that house, and began substitute teaching. Intermittently. Sometimes it's hard to find sub jobs. Actually, a lot of the time.

Also, I forgot to mention that about a week before Thanksgiving, I started dating someone. A new someone. 

Anyway, money was still pretty tight at that point, and the room I had moved into wasn't exactly cheap.  Or even average-priced, for that matter.  So I decided that it would be wise to move again and find something a little cheaper.   

I had a couple of ideas of places to which I could move, but nothing was cemented.  Nevertheless, I have great friends, and knew I could stay with them for a bit should I get stuck without a place, so I decided to take the plunge, and I just sold my contract, moved my stuff out and back into a friend's house, and then flew home for Christmas break the next day.

Over break, I got in contact with some acquaintances who were moving all together into a new house.  Combined with the four of us, the rent would be really cheap, so I agreed to move in with them.  As soon as I got back from break, I began moving my stuff into the new house.  Didn't take me long, and I picked up lots more sub jobs, so things started calming down (it seemed).  I was still dating said boy.

A couple weeks ago, I got a text from my fabulous friend Brooke, which said that they would soon have an open room in their house.  "This is great news" I said.  

And I decided to consider it. 

Do you ever start writing a blog post, and then get tired of writing it part of the way through? I do. Right now actually.


That day I crunched some numbers, got some more detailed info on the room, etc. and after much deliberation, I decided to take it.  


Honestly, I feel a little ridiculous for moving so much, but I really think it will do wonders for me, and help me feel more secure in dealing with everything! But especially the specific challenges I'm dealing with right now.  And if I've learned anything, it's that I need to do what's best for me, regardless of what everyone else is going to think, and ultimately, I'll be happier.  This I know.  


So... in about a week, I'm moving yet again.  I still haven't found anyone to take my contract where I'm at now, but I've posted an ad on craigslist, and have had a couple of people look into it.  I have high hopes.  Know anyone who's looking for somewhere really cheap to live?  Somewhere with awesome roommates and a huge pantry and kitchen and washer and dryer?  


Also, I broke up with aforementioned boy on Saturday. Suck.


Also, I decided a little while ago that I'm not earning enough money subbing.  It pays reasonably well, but it's not consistent enough.  I want something more consistent.  I think that would really help with feeling stressed and anxious. 
 
So right now, I am job-searching yet again.  

However, I have mixed feelings about it.  I really hate job searching. I hate interviewing, I hate repeatedly filling out my information and employment history on job applications even though I'm attaching a resume (with all the ame information on it!!!) anyway.  I hate trying to sell myself and make myself look good. I JUST AM WHO I FREAKIN' AM.  Grr.  I hate checking craigslist all the time and trying to deciper what people's stupid listings mean, and i hate emailing more and more people with the EXACT SAME questions I asked the last person, and the five people before that, etc. etc.  (I'm starting to feel like that part from "Ten Things I Hate About You"). What a ridiculous exercise in buttering up future employers, and using big words that you don't really mean job-searching is.  It just disgusts me.

There are so many other cooler (and more worthwhile (i know i know... just don't argue with me right now. i'm ranting.)) things I could be doing with my time.  Like developing hobbies, or reading and educating myself, or spending time with the people in my life that I love, or helping someone, or, or, or... you get the picture. 

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now.  Hopefully everything will go smoothly this week. Hopefully I'll find someone to take my contract, and maybe I'll get a new job.  

Yeah, like I said, my life is kind of boring.  Some days I don't like being a grown up.

PS. I have a goal of taking more pictures, which will hopefully translate to more pictures on this here blog.  Which would be just fabulous.  Or maybe I'll post old pictures that I haven't posted yet to supplement.   

Going to Find a Christmas Tree

Well, I was going to write a post about going to get our Christmas Tree (I'm a little late I know).  However I later realized that my mom had already written a post about the exact same thing.  So if you want to read about how the whole night went down, go there.  However, I do have some quotes that I still want to add to the story.


1. While we were at the farm looking at the trees, Coy picked up a tree and turned it around.  Katie must not have been satisfied with the distribution of the branches on that particular tree, because all of a sudden she goes, "Oh! He's a baldy!"

2. Emily has serious issues with being away from home.  She'll go if it's an activity to which we're all going, but even then she can generally be pretty grumpy about being out and about.   This particular night, as soon as we found a tree we seemed semi-okay with, she piped up immediately: "Okay! let's get out of here!"  If one tries to argue with her with a statement along the lines of this: "Emily we just got here!", she'll say something to the effect of "I know, I'm just wondering... let's get out of here."

3. This one was also Emily, and I'm not exactly positive to what it applied.  She had mentioned earlier in the evening how she liked to watch something that mom liked.  She then later must have said something to the opposite of that, and mom called her on it.  Then Emily says, hoping not to hurt anyone's feelings, "Yeah, i like to watch them, but..."
Then Coy's sarcasm kicked in: "Basically she doesn't like them but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings."
Then Emily, thinking that that statement was a possible escape from the situation without making anyone feel bad, jumped right on the bandwagon. "Yeah! I don't want to hurt your feelings."

4. Later, once we had chosen a tree, Coy was trying to load it into the bed of his truck.  Katie must not have approved of the way Coy was handling the tree.  "Be gentle!" she cried.
Coy yelled back, incredulously, "it's a TREE!"

5. On our drive home, Coy noticed that someone's door wasn't shut all the way.  We discovered that it was Katie's door, and so she quickly opened it and shut it, but to no avail.
 "Katie, it's still not shut!"
Upon further examination, she quickly realized that the very tip top of the tree was poking around the cab of the truck just a tiny bit, and that Katie had managed to slam the tip of the tree into her door when she shut it.
"Aw, shoot.. the tree!"
 After realizing this, she opened and re-slammed her door several more times.  Only squishing the top of the tree more. 
"Katie!!" we all yelled.  "It's not working!"

6. Finally, after the slamming-the-tree-in-the-car-door incident, we were discussing one of Katie's upcoming dates for which she was not very excited.  These were her thoughts on the event: "I hate guys who can't spell.  And he can't even spell!"

the first snow

This morning, I got a text at 8:03am. (This post was originally composed early in december, 2009.)

It said, simply:

"SNOW!! :)"

I jolted up and rushed to the window.  When I pulled the curtains aside, I saw this:

And even though it looks dreary (you can't tell, but it was actually snowing when this picture was taken), the text, combined with the first official snow of the season reminded me of more carefree times.

And I remembered this:



It's easy to forget, in the midst of hard times, the simple joy that can come from the little things.  Like the first snow.  And your freshman year of college.

But today, I remembered.

remember?

Remember how I posted about my rebellion against the rush of... life? The busyness?

Here is a quote that I found while reading Nie's blog.

"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

Quoted from Elder M. Russell Ballard in this talk. 

Let's just live in the moment.  Always.

Resolutions?

I was thinking that I should do a post about any New Year's Resolutions I have.

Then I realized that I kind of did that with one of my last posts.

I have plans to set other goals, too, however.

I'll get back to you when I have those laid out.

I've also been having some thoughts about harnessing my gusto for life again.  I feel like I'm a little bit... stuck in a rut.

Also, I hate it when I sleep until noon.  It makes me feel so very... slob-ish.   

(unless, that is, I was up really ridiculously late the night before.)

Hey. I found a goal!

Go to bed at midnight or earlier to reduce the odds I will sleep until noon.

Like, woah.

"In this matter of counterfeit intimacy and deceptive gratification, I express particular caution to the men who hear this message.  I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot.  What an unacceptable response to such a serious issue!  What kind of man is he, what priesthood or power or strength or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education and prepare to affect the future of colleagues and kingdoms and the course of the world, but yet does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing"?  No, this sorry drugstore psychology would have us say, 'He just can't help himself.  His glands have complete control over his life--his mind, his will, his entire future.'

"To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man's too is the least fair assertion I can imagine.  In most instances if there is sexual transgression, I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man--for our purposes probably a priesthood bearer--and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be.  In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy only in its rightful role.  I have had enough experience in Church callings to know that women as well as men can be predatory.  But I refuse to buy some young man's feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology."

YEAH!!!

I found a printed copy of Jeffrey R. Holland's talk "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" (which is great... you should read it) today, and decided to read through some of it.

I came across the above quote and WOAH.

Seriously, you tell 'em Elder Holland.

Just some thoughts.

Another thing I've recently realized, is that I'm currently in a sort of state of rebellion against... obligations.  And deadlines.  In general.

I think it's a product of the fact that I spent the majority of my life focused on accomplishment as my main form of self-esteem.  I wasn't anything unless I was achieving.

I am currently undergoing a change of mindset in that category, and learning how to slow down, and focus instead on if I am deriving joy and happiness from whatever it is that I'm doing with my time everyday.

Things I've spent more time doing:

actually cooking healthy, satisfying, (vegetarian) meals

catching up with old friends

getting to know my newer friends better

being able to help random people who need it

actually getting enough sleep (for the first time since elementary school, probably)

Things I'm still hoping to devote more time to:

volunteering at heritage, walden school for the arts

learning how to sew, knit, and crochet

making my own homemade cleaning products, soaps, shampoos,

READING. EVERYTHING. (but especially old classics or children's books I never had a chance to read)

Discovering new, delicious, vegetarian recipes

Yoga

Photography

Specific topics I want to read up more on:

intentional communities

vegetarianism, veganism, and locavorism

freeganism

unschooling

sustainable architecture

cultural anthropology

everything eco-friendly and green

photography

eco-friendly parenting (i know... i'm not a parent yet, but who says it's too soon to learn about parenting?)

creativity and letting out our inner artist

feminism

female body image

food, and eating

activism and lots of other social issues

etc....

GAH.  That is not even all of them.  And there are so many more subjects I'm interested in, that I'm considering studying when I go back to school (did I mention I want to go back to school?), like Spanish. And French. And women's studies, and maybe even global politics. and international affairs.

If you hadn't noticed before, I'm currently going through a period of... liberalization.

Now. There is one problem.

I have to earn money to survive.

I've been substitute teaching, but I can't say that I particularly derive a lot of happiness from it.  I know, I know... I can't always have a job that I absolutely love, ...but can't I have one that I at least don't hate?  And that doesn't make me SO. EXHAUSTED. every day I have to do it?

(Okay, I'll admit that my rebellion against obligations isn't helping in this area very much.)


(But c'mon... I've gotta draw the line somewhere.  Preferably somewhere before the point when i run out of food because I haven't been working and can't afford anymore.)

uh. yeah.

:)

Living Life the Slow Way

Let's begin this discussion by viewing a quick video clip.

and YES. you have to watch it. (you know who you are).



So... does something about that seem wrong to anyone else??

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I feel like our society has become increasingly unaware of the ridiculous levels of busyness to which we have become accustomed.

I honestly don't believe we were intended to become so busy that we have to ignore many of our bodies signals in order to keep up with the insane schedules we have set for ourselves (school, work, church, friends, family, volunteering, etc. etc. etc.).

I don't know when it happened, but at some point we became more pre-occupied with doing, and accomplishing, then we are with achieving a level of balance and happiness in our lives.

 There is an excellent scene in the movie Tuck Everlasting which reminds me of this very epidemic.  Unfortunately I couldn't find the scene anywhere. So the quote will have to do (albeit, it is a lot less captivating):

"Winnie Foster was beginning to lose track of time. Had she been there a day? A week? A month? It seemed to Winnie that the Tucks lived in a way the rest of the world had forgotten. They were never in a hurry and did things the slow way. For the first time Winnie felt free to explore, to ask questions, to play."

I have so many more thoughts on this topic, but they aren't organized yet.  I'll have to organize them and start posting them as they become fully formed.  But I'm curious if any of the rest of you have noticed this or had any thoughts that you wouldn't mind sharing?  I'd love to hear about it.  Let's discuss!

I really love this quote:

"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious."— Jack Kerouac


But I'm slightly confused as to what the correct interpretation of it is.  Is it advocating sex before marriage?

I just love the ending part the most I guess-- "real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious."


Because with that, I totally agree.

words?

So, i was thinking just now.



I came to the conclusion that words are completely and utterly inadequate when it comes to trying to define one's self.

Am I feminist? beautiful? intelligent? passionate?



What do those words even mean?



Nope.



I am complex. More complex than I (let alone anyone else) can even understand.

The complexity of my spirit and individuality and thoughts and feelings and... existence... could never be described using such things as simple, one dimensional words. Even a combination of them.

There will always be some interpretation of a word, which is not what I meant when i originally used it to describe myself.  And maybe I'm not one hundred percent true to the genuine definition of that word anyway.  There's no way i'm using percentages to describe me.


(and besides... then you'd get into, like, double percentages. "mmm... i'm going to say my personality contains about eighty-three percent of about seventy-six percent of the definition of that word." But wait. That's only one definition. AND it was approximations.  Seriously?  no way.)  

I am not a percentage. Or a number.

And no matter how many words I could hypothetically try to use to describe myself, I would always be left wanting.

And i can't take that risk.



So for now, I am simply austin.



And I have discovered, that if you really want to know me, you will have to come with me; you will have to experience my presence.

For that, I believe, is the only way to truly know a person.

i hope.

I hope I can teach my children to love the earth so much that this:

...will be them.

So Lame.

Teaching is such an important profession.  Too bad teachers are SO not compensated as they should be.

Seriously, if a teacher needs a day off, he or she has to put in a bunch of extra work and write up plans for the whole day?   Plans that are way more specific than than the teacher would even write for his or herself because who knows what this person who is coming in to teach my class is going to know.

I remember when I was a teacher, it was almost easier to go into work sick than to think about tackling the idea of writing up sub plans for the day.   

LAME.

Teachers work so hard.

Can't they just have a day off when they need it without having to put in a bunch of extra work to cover for their absence? 

i just...

have so many emotions right now.  about everything.

i wish i knew how and where and when to express them all.

and some haven't even taken shape enough in my mind for me to do anything with them yet.

but i still feel them.


i just kind of want to get them all out.