I wore plain old white socks with my black work shoes and slacks every. day. this week.
I know, that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY against ALL rules ever written... but I don't have any black socks. And my feet get cold without socks, dang it.
Heaven help me.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
tonight...
...i'm listening to this:
(nobody read too much into the lyrics of that... I just like the song. Thanks Coy, for recommending it.)
...and reading back on my blog posts. I particularly like this one though. It's so interesting to read back and see the goals that I set, and the progress (in a way, it was sort of accidental progress) that I've made.
I'm doing pretty well, I think.
(nobody read too much into the lyrics of that... I just like the song. Thanks Coy, for recommending it.)
...and reading back on my blog posts. I particularly like this one though. It's so interesting to read back and see the goals that I set, and the progress (in a way, it was sort of accidental progress) that I've made.
I'm doing pretty well, I think.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
down and dirty.
A couple friends and I ran the dirty dash this weekend.
Sarah and I ended up running it barefoot. We thought there would be so much mud we'd lose our shoes anyway (false). Everyone thought we were crazy. Apparently, "everyone [was] talking about" us (or so said a lady we ran into waiting to go down the slip and slide towards the end of the race). It was pretty cool.
I put lots of pictures on facebook. I'll pick my favorites and put them here. Later.
For now, enjoy these videos of our awesome adventure (Jana was our trusty captain and planned delicious food and other surprises for us, and took almost all of our pictures. She did not run.)
getting ready to run.
grrr.
captain's log.
just after we finished.
our last video, taken on the trip home.
Sarah and I ended up running it barefoot. We thought there would be so much mud we'd lose our shoes anyway (false). Everyone thought we were crazy. Apparently, "everyone [was] talking about" us (or so said a lady we ran into waiting to go down the slip and slide towards the end of the race). It was pretty cool.
I put lots of pictures on facebook. I'll pick my favorites and put them here. Later.
For now, enjoy these videos of our awesome adventure (Jana was our trusty captain and planned delicious food and other surprises for us, and took almost all of our pictures. She did not run.)
getting ready to run.
grrr.
captain's log.
just after we finished.
our last video, taken on the trip home.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
underwear.
On Saturday, I spent most of my morning, and a little of my afternoon, in my underwear.
It was really, really great.
I woke up early-ish, went for a long run with my neighbor (not in my underwear... although i can imagine running in one's underwear is probably very pleasant), then made myself an amazing smoothie with watermelon and berries which totally hit the spot. My roommate introduced me to the song "Clementine" by Sarah Jaffe and I hooked my computer up to the speakers and turned up the volume while I finished off my smoothie and did a little organizing and cleaning in preparation for my move (I'm still in the same house, different room. I'll post about it later).
Whether or not spending the morning in my underwear and having a fabulous morning are related, remains to be seen.
although, I'm PRETTY sure they are.
ps. you should definitely try it sometime.
It was really, really great.
I woke up early-ish, went for a long run with my neighbor (not in my underwear... although i can imagine running in one's underwear is probably very pleasant), then made myself an amazing smoothie with watermelon and berries which totally hit the spot. My roommate introduced me to the song "Clementine" by Sarah Jaffe and I hooked my computer up to the speakers and turned up the volume while I finished off my smoothie and did a little organizing and cleaning in preparation for my move (I'm still in the same house, different room. I'll post about it later).
Whether or not spending the morning in my underwear and having a fabulous morning are related, remains to be seen.
although, I'm PRETTY sure they are.
ps. you should definitely try it sometime.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Man in the Arena.
Warning: this post is a little emotionally heavy.
Note: I started writing this post like, at least two weeks ago. Probably three weeks ago, actually. So the mentions of “today”, and "yesterday" refer to that day and the day before it, three weeks ago. Um, yes. That’s how long it took me to get my thoughts together on this. :)
I had three realizations today. (what those three realizations actually were, are not the important part. but i will tell you. maybe. at the end of the post)
It was during a text conversation with a good friend this afternoon, that I actually put words to these three thoughts. She asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it all sorts of insight and inspiration began spilling from my mind to the screen of my cell phone... and that’s when I knew it was time to blog.
Here's the story.
Let me first explain, that a rather serious dating relationship I’ve had for the past eight months of my life, ended. A month ago now, actually. It felt pretty sudden and shocking at the time. To say that it has been difficult, is possibly the understatement of the year. I still don’t really do much analysis of it because it’s all too complicated and heavy and who really knows what happened anyway? But, for the purposes of this blog post, you DO need to know a little bit of how it felt.
In short, it felt (okay, sometimes still feels) as though I had fallen into the deepest, darkest, blackest crevice in the sidewalk, and wasn’t sure if, how, or when I’d be able to find some way to pull myself up and out.
Here's something else you'll need to know. I deal with higher levels of anxiety than most people. I have seen a psychologist or been on medication on and off for the past several years. Unfortunately, I think it might be one of those things that has to get worse before it can get better (which means that getting through all of this without being on medication means I'm learning how to deal... right?). But anyway, the point is that when something like this happens, something that throws off all my stability, it often triggers the anxiety, and I start to feel afraid of or worried about things that don't normally bother me at all. Which is really not fun. To say the least.
Until yesterday, that is.
Yesterday, something inside me snapped. Or gave up. Or maybe just altogether decided it wasn’t going to do this anymore. I guess I decided that I wasn’t going to do this anymore. I couldn’t.
And so, I decided that I was brave. That I could handle more than I thought I could. That I dealt with a lot of things that were way above my maturity level when I was younger, and if I could handle really really hard things then, why not now? I was never really one to back down from a challenge.
And finally, I decided that even if I wasn’t feeling brave, or calm, or confident, that I was going to pretend like I WAS feeling that way, dang it.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I marched myself directly into a situation that could’ve been potentially very painful for me. And in many ways, it still was. Acting that way doesn’t necessarily lessen the pain of it, but the point is, I survived. I put on a happy face, acted way overly confident, and continued to laugh and joke and hang out like the world was my oyster.
(nevermind that the whole time I was really really concerned that there would be a huge emotional crash later. nobody knew what i was thinking! nobody knew i was worried!)
Anyway, here's the important part. There is something about acting braver than you feel. Something reckless. Something wild. And I won’t lie, it is frightening. But you know what? It is also empowering.
And somehow, that made me realize how key mistakes are in this life of ours.
Let's back up a little. This is what I said. To my friend (remember how I mentioned her at the beginning of this post?).
And that's when I realized (decided?) that it’s okay to make all kinds of crazy mistakes. To feel a little (or a lot) out of control and not really know what’s going on. To accidentally reach a point where you don’t know if you can handle your situation emotionally. To suddenly realize how broken and bruised and unsure of everything in your life you are.
And YET. To STILL let yourself believe that you are brave. That you can handle really hard things... even if maybe you don’t feel like, or truly, honestly, deep-down, believe that you can.
I am only twenty-three. This is a time of exploration and experience. It is a time that is meant for mistakes and learning and growing and more mistakes. A time for questioning yourself and your values, and everything that you have believed so stalwartly your entire life. A time for figuring out who you are and who you want to be and how in the hell you're going to get there. And most of all, a time for taking chances. A time for testing the limits. And thus, a time for picking your bruised and bleeding, yet resilient body, up off the dusty, dirty earth time and time again.
Three realizations? Right here:
1. I can do things that are really really ridiculously hard for me. I am totally capable.
2. Sometimes it's really liberating to act braver than you feel.
3. I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes are proof that I am living and loving and growing. And eventually becoming exactly who I want to be.
Note: I started writing this post like, at least two weeks ago. Probably three weeks ago, actually. So the mentions of “today”, and "yesterday" refer to that day and the day before it, three weeks ago. Um, yes. That’s how long it took me to get my thoughts together on this. :)
I had three realizations today. (what those three realizations actually were, are not the important part. but i will tell you. maybe. at the end of the post)
It was during a text conversation with a good friend this afternoon, that I actually put words to these three thoughts. She asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it all sorts of insight and inspiration began spilling from my mind to the screen of my cell phone... and that’s when I knew it was time to blog.
Here's the story.
Let me first explain, that a rather serious dating relationship I’ve had for the past eight months of my life, ended. A month ago now, actually. It felt pretty sudden and shocking at the time. To say that it has been difficult, is possibly the understatement of the year. I still don’t really do much analysis of it because it’s all too complicated and heavy and who really knows what happened anyway? But, for the purposes of this blog post, you DO need to know a little bit of how it felt.
In short, it felt (okay, sometimes still feels) as though I had fallen into the deepest, darkest, blackest crevice in the sidewalk, and wasn’t sure if, how, or when I’d be able to find some way to pull myself up and out.
Here's something else you'll need to know. I deal with higher levels of anxiety than most people. I have seen a psychologist or been on medication on and off for the past several years. Unfortunately, I think it might be one of those things that has to get worse before it can get better (which means that getting through all of this without being on medication means I'm learning how to deal... right?). But anyway, the point is that when something like this happens, something that throws off all my stability, it often triggers the anxiety, and I start to feel afraid of or worried about things that don't normally bother me at all. Which is really not fun. To say the least.
Here is a longer description:
Everyday felt like a rollercoaster (I don't care how cliche that phrase is). Everyday I woke up with terror in my heart at the thought of what might happen that day. What needs I might have that would not be met. What people I would feel like I needed in my life that wouldn’t (couldn't) be there. I felt afraid to stay in bed, afraid to get up, afraid to go to work, afraid to stay home. Even afraid to make lunch. But afraid not to (um, hello hypoglycemia.). Most of all, afraid to expose myself to anything else that might cause even the slightest bit more pain or discomfort than I was already feeling. Because honestly... I was afraid I couldn't handle it.
And that is how I carried (or rather trudged, in a very heavy, about to drop to the floor and give up sort of way) on.
Until yesterday, that is.
Yesterday, something inside me snapped. Or gave up. Or maybe just altogether decided it wasn’t going to do this anymore. I guess I decided that I wasn’t going to do this anymore. I couldn’t.
And so, I decided that I was brave. That I could handle more than I thought I could. That I dealt with a lot of things that were way above my maturity level when I was younger, and if I could handle really really hard things then, why not now? I was never really one to back down from a challenge.
And finally, I decided that even if I wasn’t feeling brave, or calm, or confident, that I was going to pretend like I WAS feeling that way, dang it.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I marched myself directly into a situation that could’ve been potentially very painful for me. And in many ways, it still was. Acting that way doesn’t necessarily lessen the pain of it, but the point is, I survived. I put on a happy face, acted way overly confident, and continued to laugh and joke and hang out like the world was my oyster.
(nevermind that the whole time I was really really concerned that there would be a huge emotional crash later. nobody knew what i was thinking! nobody knew i was worried!)
Anyway, here's the important part. There is something about acting braver than you feel. Something reckless. Something wild. And I won’t lie, it is frightening. But you know what? It is also empowering.
And somehow, that made me realize how key mistakes are in this life of ours.
Let's back up a little. This is what I said. To my friend (remember how I mentioned her at the beginning of this post?).
"... I guess I learned last night, though, that sometimes it doesn’t hurt to act braver than you feel. It’s kinda liberating. It feels very appropriate for this age and stage in my life... you know? Like it’s proof that I’m really living and loving and getting hurt and having experiences and falling and getting up over and over again."
And that's it. Just like that.
To be honest, it kind of surprised me. Wait, what? Did I just write that?
It just made so much sense! And sounded so right! SO RIGHT!
And that's when I realized (decided?) that it’s okay to make all kinds of crazy mistakes. To feel a little (or a lot) out of control and not really know what’s going on. To accidentally reach a point where you don’t know if you can handle your situation emotionally. To suddenly realize how broken and bruised and unsure of everything in your life you are.
And YET. To STILL let yourself believe that you are brave. That you can handle really hard things... even if maybe you don’t feel like, or truly, honestly, deep-down, believe that you can.
I am only twenty-three. This is a time of exploration and experience. It is a time that is meant for mistakes and learning and growing and more mistakes. A time for questioning yourself and your values, and everything that you have believed so stalwartly your entire life. A time for figuring out who you are and who you want to be and how in the hell you're going to get there. And most of all, a time for taking chances. A time for testing the limits. And thus, a time for picking your bruised and bleeding, yet resilient body, up off the dusty, dirty earth time and time again.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Maybe that is why i sometimes love that windblown look. The messy hair dirty face look. The look that says “I’ve been out tripping and falling and getting muddy and scraped and all kinds of beat-up, but I'm learning a ton." There is wisdom in those eyes.
Three realizations? Right here:
1. I can do things that are really really ridiculously hard for me. I am totally capable.
2. Sometimes it's really liberating to act braver than you feel.
3. I shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes are proof that I am living and loving and growing. And eventually becoming exactly who I want to be.
Monday, August 9, 2010
08.08.2010, 11:35pm.
Remember when I was happy?
And how sometimes my writing can be pretty funny?
And when I used to get pretty fiery about some things?
How sometimes I have super deep thoughts, that even I don't really get very well when I read back on them?
And how I can sing (well, except for the part where I mess up at the end. ha.)?
Yeah. I'm trying to remember too.
(don't worry. a post is forthcoming about what's been up.)
And how sometimes my writing can be pretty funny?
And when I used to get pretty fiery about some things?
How sometimes I have super deep thoughts, that even I don't really get very well when I read back on them?
And how I can sing (well, except for the part where I mess up at the end. ha.)?
Yeah. I'm trying to remember too.
(don't worry. a post is forthcoming about what's been up.)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
05.24.2010
This morning, I woke up a little before ten. I got out of bed, and headed towards my bedroom door, only to step in a puddle of water right in front of the door. Surprised, I turned on the light (it's a little dark today, because it SNOWED last night, and is still raining today (what the freak. it's almost JUNE.)) and looked around. I found that half of my floor was covered in about a quarter inch of water. Yuck.
Something similar (albeit way smaller) happened maybe a month ago. I called the landlord, and they sent someone out to check it out. They told me that there is a leak in the wall because of something to do with a leaking gutter on the outside? My room is halfway underground (I live in the basement) so apparently the ground has come away from the foundation a little bit, and there is a crack, so it's leaking right through my wall and all over my floor.
Some people from the real estate company who takes care of our house came by, took pictures, told me what was up, and then told me to mop the water up and put a towel in front of where the water is coming out. Awesome. Don't worry, I didn't have anything else I was going to do this morning. I was just hoping that you'd come by and tell me to clean all of this up. Even though you knew it was happening a month ago, and could've done something before now. I'll just pick up that there slack for you. No problem. I love mopping.
Fun stuff. If my camera was working, I'd take some pictures of it for you.
In other news, even Wills thought the pocket pigs were a little cute. Though he was a little conflicted because he had mixed feelings about domesticating animals.
I think I'm going to try to go to DI today (I really, really need some new clothes). And I have plenty of other things on my to-do list that I'll work on, including going to get measured for my bridesmaid dress for Marta's wedding!
Something similar (albeit way smaller) happened maybe a month ago. I called the landlord, and they sent someone out to check it out. They told me that there is a leak in the wall because of something to do with a leaking gutter on the outside? My room is halfway underground (I live in the basement) so apparently the ground has come away from the foundation a little bit, and there is a crack, so it's leaking right through my wall and all over my floor.
Some people from the real estate company who takes care of our house came by, took pictures, told me what was up, and then told me to mop the water up and put a towel in front of where the water is coming out. Awesome. Don't worry, I didn't have anything else I was going to do this morning. I was just hoping that you'd come by and tell me to clean all of this up. Even though you knew it was happening a month ago, and could've done something before now. I'll just pick up that there slack for you. No problem. I love mopping.
Fun stuff. If my camera was working, I'd take some pictures of it for you.
In other news, even Wills thought the pocket pigs were a little cute. Though he was a little conflicted because he had mixed feelings about domesticating animals.
I think I'm going to try to go to DI today (I really, really need some new clothes). And I have plenty of other things on my to-do list that I'll work on, including going to get measured for my bridesmaid dress for Marta's wedding!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
oh so cute. oh man.
I inherited my love for animals from my grandma. And my mom.
Thus, I really want one of these:
That love for animals is also the reason I love this (cuteboyswithcats) website.
And this, perchance, is my favorite one of all (letsbefriends). I'll leave you with this picture. You know, to tempt you:
Go my friends. Rejoice in the animal love.
Thus, I really want one of these:
That love for animals is also the reason I love this (cuteboyswithcats) website.
And this, perchance, is my favorite one of all (letsbefriends). I'll leave you with this picture. You know, to tempt you:
Go my friends. Rejoice in the animal love.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
05.14.2010
I'm feeling pretty good this week. I actually started up a fairly normal schedule at work! I will be working (with a few exceptions, I'm sure) on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, from 6am to noon at the bakery, and then from 6-8pm teaching English on those same days. It should be really nice in some ways, because I'll have a four-day-weekend most weekends (!). The main downside will be having to go to bed pretty early (like 10pm or earlier if I can) on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, but also that my off-time from work is in the middle of the day. So instead of getting all my working hours out of the way all together in the morning or in the evening, I have to get up at like 5:30am, work for six hours, and then when I get off I have some time, but my English class in the evenings is weighing on me because I have to plan my lesson. So... there are pros and cons to any way I do it. I'm thinking I might try to get all my lessons planned over the weekend and do any other prep that I need to do so I don't have to worry about pulling something together a few hours before class.
In other news, Wills got back from Israel on Tuesday (his flight got cancelled, and he ended up spending the night in the airport in Tel Aviv), and he brought all of us awesome souvenirs! He got each of his roommates at the Dollhouse a Keffiyeh (they're going to have a dollhouse picture with all of them wearing them - Sweet!), and he got me a gorgeous red bag which was made by some Druze people. It is red, and looks kind of like these, in messenger bag form. So cool! I wore it out for the first time this morning. It is very well made, and the weaving is gorgeous.
Also, my roommate Brooke introduced me to this book the other day and I can't wait to read it! It's called Radical Homemakers. Here is a review of the book I found on the above linked website:
“Imagine women with masters degrees and PhDs who choose home over career advancement. Imagine wives (and husbands) who reject the false promise of endless paid labor to tend gardens and children and friendships. In a time when Wall Street MBAs-producing nothing of value but rewarded with million-dollar bonuses and blinded by greed-have driven our country to bankruptcy and despair, Shannon Hayes’ stories of women and men who choose simplicity, authenticity and community inspire hope. Outside the boxes of both conservatives and liberals, this book is radical thinking at its best. Read it and think.”-John de Graaf, coauthor of Affluenza and director of Take Back Your Time
I'm in the middle of several books right now, but once I finish a few, I want to start on this one. I love the idea of being really educated, but also focusing so much on family and community because building solid families and communities is what is going to make cities and states and countries stronger.
Hopefully the weekend will be great. I will love not having to worry about work. Later today Wills and I are going to hike the Y, then go see Avatar in the dollar theater. There are good times to be had.
In other news, Wills got back from Israel on Tuesday (his flight got cancelled, and he ended up spending the night in the airport in Tel Aviv), and he brought all of us awesome souvenirs! He got each of his roommates at the Dollhouse a Keffiyeh (they're going to have a dollhouse picture with all of them wearing them - Sweet!), and he got me a gorgeous red bag which was made by some Druze people. It is red, and looks kind of like these, in messenger bag form. So cool! I wore it out for the first time this morning. It is very well made, and the weaving is gorgeous.
Also, my roommate Brooke introduced me to this book the other day and I can't wait to read it! It's called Radical Homemakers. Here is a review of the book I found on the above linked website:
“Imagine women with masters degrees and PhDs who choose home over career advancement. Imagine wives (and husbands) who reject the false promise of endless paid labor to tend gardens and children and friendships. In a time when Wall Street MBAs-producing nothing of value but rewarded with million-dollar bonuses and blinded by greed-have driven our country to bankruptcy and despair, Shannon Hayes’ stories of women and men who choose simplicity, authenticity and community inspire hope. Outside the boxes of both conservatives and liberals, this book is radical thinking at its best. Read it and think.”-John de Graaf, coauthor of Affluenza and director of Take Back Your Time
I'm in the middle of several books right now, but once I finish a few, I want to start on this one. I love the idea of being really educated, but also focusing so much on family and community because building solid families and communities is what is going to make cities and states and countries stronger.
Hopefully the weekend will be great. I will love not having to worry about work. Later today Wills and I are going to hike the Y, then go see Avatar in the dollar theater. There are good times to be had.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
05.08.2010
I am exhausted.
I've worked 6 or 7 hour shifts at the bakery four days in a row (which means waking up at 5:30am all of those days, to get there by six). I also taught ESL in the evenings a couple of those days, which includes planning lessons. AND, Cary and I are trying to get everything for the ward family home evening on Monday night planned and ready. We went up to Costco yesterday to get food for it, and we still need some more, so I'm going to have to make another grocery store trip sometime today.
And I'm annoyed at how many people eat SO MANY FREAKING DONUTS Saturday mornings. And people totally overdose on sweets on holiday weekend (Mother's Day!).
Anyway, I got home, took a quick rinse-off in the shower, and put on some sweats. I think I'll spend a few hours reading, or taking a nap. Or doing both.
Tonight is Jana's birthday movie marathon! Yay for pizza and crowding tons of people in the living room to watch movies on the big projector screen. And for lounging in the LoveSac.
Tomorrow is church, and prepping food for FHE.
Maybe my roommates and I will make some delicious food together. It's so nice when all three of us are home.
ps. hopefully I'll get some new batteries (or a new charger) for my camera soon!
I've worked 6 or 7 hour shifts at the bakery four days in a row (which means waking up at 5:30am all of those days, to get there by six). I also taught ESL in the evenings a couple of those days, which includes planning lessons. AND, Cary and I are trying to get everything for the ward family home evening on Monday night planned and ready. We went up to Costco yesterday to get food for it, and we still need some more, so I'm going to have to make another grocery store trip sometime today.
And I'm annoyed at how many people eat SO MANY FREAKING DONUTS Saturday mornings. And people totally overdose on sweets on holiday weekend (Mother's Day!).
Anyway, I got home, took a quick rinse-off in the shower, and put on some sweats. I think I'll spend a few hours reading, or taking a nap. Or doing both.
Tonight is Jana's birthday movie marathon! Yay for pizza and crowding tons of people in the living room to watch movies on the big projector screen. And for lounging in the LoveSac.
Tomorrow is church, and prepping food for FHE.
Maybe my roommates and I will make some delicious food together. It's so nice when all three of us are home.
ps. hopefully I'll get some new batteries (or a new charger) for my camera soon!
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